My One Constant

So, I'm sitting here behind my laptop and its 1.56 in the morning, Malaysian time. I'm listening to a really nice worship song on repeat, because I like it (Throne Room by Awaken Generation - Just had to put it in there! Lol). And why am I awake? Well truth is, I'd usually be sound a sleep by now but I had this in my heart and just thought to write it out.

I grew up a worship leader in my schooling years (I went to a Christian school in my secondary years) and later on served as a worship leader in church too. Music speaks to me in a very special way, as I'd like to think it speaks to many of us in that special way as well. I remember being a seven year old sitting in the backseat in my mum's car listening to normal radio and some tunes that caught my attention (backstreet boys mainly) waiting for the song to end so the dj could announce the name and band of the song. I laugh to myself as I write that down. Anyways, music, music speaks volumes.

For many of you who know me, my 20's has been scarred by illness, relapses and many unanswered questions, many to which I don't have the answers to and some I know, I will never really know either. I've also had my good times in my 20's too, as Christians like to put it, we go through the hills and the valleys. And well, no, things have not always been dandy for me but I've definitely had plenty of beautiful moments in my 20's too. The thing is, my one constant in this life has always been Christ and to that I cannot deny. 

I look back, and even though some might say tough, and yeah, in many ways I wouldn't deny that, I see so much beauty in my life. But I think the real beauty behind that statement really for me comes from a place of knowing my Father in heaven. My earliest memory of the Lord was when I was a young child reading my children's bible and asking Him a question. When I flipped the bible pages the very answer I needed to hear was in that passage. I know, I know, that sounds a bit ridiculous to ears who have not heard about the Lord personally, but to me that was a very shocking moment albeit a beautiful one too. It showed me that He was listening and that just meant the world to me. 

All my life, He has held me close to Him. He really has never left me nor forsaken me. In times of brokenness, I feel His presence ever so near to me (many Christians who know this describe it as a kind of warmth over your whole body). To the things I understand and to the things I don't, to the things I question and ask, He has always been there with me and I know that. I might bore your eyes if I write any longer than this (lol), so I am going to end with the song I've been listening to, Throne Room by Awaken Generation. It amazes me, that the creator of this universe is someone I can be so close to, I've always felt Him near. And indeed, He's always been near. He is, my one desire :)

Throne Room

This is the throne room of God

I come in reverence

I stand before the creator of heaven, and earth

This is the throne room of God

You draw me closer

Undone by the arms of a Father who calls me His own

As You bring me to my knees before Your throne

I just bow in awe, I just bow in awe

As You lift my head to see You, as You are

I just say I love You Lord

And I lift my hands with a thankful soul

And I lift my voice cause it's all I know

And my soul cries out Hallelujah

Jesus You are my one desire...

No Turning Back!

I woke up this morning with this burden in my heart to share on this matter. Things in life happen to all of us and we often frequent the past to know if there was something we could have done different about it. And I just want to say to that that often its a yes, we can always do things better perhaps or differently if we revisit our past with the things that matter to us considering life decisions and such. But I want to offer a different perspective. What if all you knew at that point in time was the best you could do? Could you really turn upon yourself and beat yourself up? Probably not. There comes some understanding to it that we all do the best we can in the moments that we go through that are difficult to us all.

We change everyday, but God remains constant. He is a never changing God. His Word says in Jeremiah 29:11, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.' Now if we read into this, this is futuristic, but what about things in our past? I am not the type of person to like to skip important, life-forming moments in my life so I do remember the days when the Lord gave me this promise in my life when I was younger that kept me steady on level ground to keep working hard and loving those around me in my circumstances that eventually brought breakthrough in my own life. Today, I look back and I am only in awe of the Lord and at present knowing His faithfulness firsthand in those days I once again hold on to His good promise over my life knowing that He will come through once again. Because, we change but God doesn't. He is faithful like that. 

If anyone is able to drag us forward in anything in life, it is definitely the Lord. Lol. God sees our future and indeed His Word over our lives is to bring that breakthrough that we might see it the way He sees it too. Ultimately, its in these life defining moments that we really get to know our Maker! We don't want to miss out on these moments as He speaks to us. His Word says in Isaiah 43:18-19, (18) 'Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. (19) Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.' If anyone really gets us, it is definitely the Lord. He sees us constantly looking back to the things we could have done differently but you know what? He really gets us. He really does. Sometimes, all we can take is the lesson from it but sometimes, there really isn't even a lesson to take from it because we couldn't have known any better ourselves. And that's how the Lord gets us. He sees our hearts and He knows we are prone to live in regret. And He gets us, He knows we couldn't have known any better ourselves. So is there really a point in life worth living in regret? Not at all! We don't dwell on the former things because our God knows our future and it is all always in His perfect will. We can make our choices, but He knows where we were always headed and so He tells us, don't look back! He is with us in those very moments to drag us forward in our lives. 

But I think the most important thing we can take from this journey in life is really, getting to know our Creator. You see all these life circumstances that challenge us and make us question things are all totally worth it if ultimately its going to bring you a step closer in knowing your Creator! Please don't read into that wrongly. Recently I wrote about 'Why Bad Things Happen to Good People' and I just know that a good God never wants us to suffer. It does not come from Him and there's so many ways to read into that but that's for another day. Nevertheless it is worth knowing that in all things, 'these light momentary afflictions prepares us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal' (paraphrased in the beginning, 2 Cor 4:17-18). So, 'draw near to God and He will draw near to you' (James 4:8a). 

It's currently raining here in Kuala Lumpur but I just have this joy in my heart. The Lord is good, the rain doesn't dampen my spirit, in fact I think it's beautiful and well its a good day. I get to spend the day with my family in lockdown and that's lovely. I have a hospital appointment later and I am so grateful for the nurses and doctors whom have cared for me all these years. This thing we call life, its not entirely a bad thing =) So don't turn back! Don't head in that direction because than you will miss out on the beauty of today and you know what? Today really is a beautiful day! Look forward to the future with hope and remember your Creator all the days of your life! God bless! 

Love,

Mary Ruth Gopal

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

 Actually, I don't think I have the perfect answer to this question, let alone any answer really to this question. But after coming out recently from my second relapse it got me thinking on some things in life, as usual. I write from a lay man Christian perspective as I am definitely no theologian. But having had such a personal experience with the Lord from the early age of my 20's onwards, I think it's worth writing down. 

What I have gained is everything in Christ and what I have lost is everything but Christ. 

Recently, I came to an understanding by myself that we live in a fallen world. There's no escape to sin because this is a fallen world. We choose to sin, or we choose not to sin but most of the time we sin anyways. And that's the nature of this fallen world. And because of this fallen world the enemy prowls like a roaring lion (1 Peter 5:8). And what that means is that he is capable of attacking us in our lives. Now, this is no excuse to say 'hey, the devil made me do it' lol. But what I am saying in all seriousness is that he does attack us. 

So of course I am writing from a very personal experience now but I hope what I have to say speaks volumes to whoever finds the time to read this. I'm not saying because of illness I found God, because I know Him to be a good God. One who would never want me to suffer let alone have my life endangered in any circumstance. But I am saying that on every occasion of illness, God was with me every step of the way. He protected me, He sheltered me and He kept me safe under the refuge of His wings.

It brought to light many aspects of my life that I didnt realise once upon a time would have caused me to stumble in my walk with Him. The one main one being the fact that I have always had a need to have a boyfriend since the early age of 18 onwards (I still havent had a boyfriend btw...lol). I guess at a younger age, that was something I was needy of but it was the Lord who kept me back then from getting involved in relationships, because like I said, I was needy as well as emotional and what I probably needed was not a boyfriend but an adult to speak to to help me process the things I was going through at that young age. 

I think God is so good that in this fallen world, He has kept me safe. That despite times that I could have stumbled, He sheltered me and even though the enemy attacks, He who is in me is greater than he who is in this world (1 John 4:4). It all points back to Christ, because we all are in need of Him. There is no one greater than the other in this journey we call life. And I think anything that I have gained recently is the fact of how human I am and how greatly humbled I am by that fact. Doing my quiet time two days ago and re-reading a portion of scripture that speaks about how we have this treasure in jars of clay (2 Cor 4:7) made me realise how fragile we all are. Yet, we hold this treasure in us, that is Christ. We're so fragile yet He lets us hold Him in the depths of our heart. I mean, how beautiful is that, really? That Christ our Saviour, came for us in love, that we might hold Him in our hearts, when we are so fragile, reckless, careless as jars of clay that we can be. If knocked, we get shattered, yet He holds us in the palms of His hands (Isaiah 41:10). He is that good, good Father, that good God. That is His character. I've always known this since the days I first came out of illness - I knew He was good. And today, I say the same. Because He has never let me go, He has always held me close to Him. He truly is my refuge, my strength and my shield. But also more than the protection he gives, is the fact that He is my loving Father. No one gets me, the way He gets me and I am just so blessed to know that. We all have that heart-shaped void in our hearts. One where only the God of this universe, the God who created you, gets. Yeah, he gets you. 

So why do bad things happen to good people? Well, like I said, I don't have the answer to this question. Some questions we may truly never have the answer to till we meet our creator of all eternity. But I do hope that this encourages you to know the creator of this universe because He knows you and He LOVES you! I cannot bold that word enough! And when we know the Lord, He fills us, like no one else can. 

Lots of love!

Mary Ruth Gopal 

Strength

 Strength. By definition from a quick Google search online is 'the quality or state of being strong: capacity for exertion or endurance (Merriam-Webster).

Now, all this sounds great. But have you ever faced moments in life where you have definitely had to be strong? Who wants to know that its going to make you stronger. I mean, what benefit can you really gain from that? Who after all, wants to be strong to know that you are strong and strong alone for yourself? Have you thought about it? 

Like, I know. We are all surrounded by people who love us and care for us. Look at my life for an example. Daily, I am reminded by how much people care for me because of all the things that I've had to face which have been unfortunate. And I am indeed daily blessed. But you know what gets to me? This gets to me: strength. A strength in character. Now don't get me wrong. I think as a female, vulnerability makes us beautiful (heck, even the males out there, who hears me?). You know what I would love to hate to hear about? Strength. Exactly. Who really actually wants to know or think that in life, you have to be strong? And as in, we may be surrounded by heaps of people or even a few all around and yet, do you ever find yourself in moments for personal reasons having to have the strength to go through it? Like, God, didn't you ever think you could have chucked us a manual on this? Let me give you some common day daily examples of being strong. P.s Don't get depressed. Covid. We make ourselves do things to take care of our well being, yet are we really truly successful in finding that which makes us truly happy? or joyful in the midst of all of this? the least to say. Are we doing things to make things better? And why do we do things to make things better? Because we're all in search for true joy and happiness in life - and life with  hope for post pandemic at this point in time. Isn't that so? Or like well, doing things that contribute to the well being of all those around you. For example, cooking a communal meal. You have work to do, or other things that have to be done and getting that meal on the table, well sometimes, somebody's got to do it. And where do we get that inner capacity to do these things? Yeah, you heard me. Its strength isn't it? 

We dread this don't we? No one likes to have to be strong. More importantly, no one likes to have to be strong and to be strong alone. I know I don't like it. But do you know, that in most instances in our lives, we have all had to be strong, for ourselves. And in being that, we are then strong for those around us and its mutual. To take the pessimistic view, that it a sad unfortunate reality isn't it?

But I'm not here to make you depressed. You know what. I think you and I both wouldn't be who we are today had it not been for the things that have shaped us in strength to be the very strong creatures we already are. And of course I mean humans. =). I mean because of all that we have endured, today we can count life as a blessing. Don't you think so? Once upon a time, the things that made us sad, don't make us sad anymore. That is strength. The things that pushed us and challenged us to grow which was hard and difficult, we're no longer there anymore. We have been made strong because we endured, doing our math for example ;) Kidding. But you get what I mean. Endurance, is a strength in character. And today, all that shapes who you are is because you endured to gain strength in character. Does life get any easier? Who knows. But I think that would be entirely up to you in the end. If you're mature enough to understand what I am saying here then you would realise that you know what? Is it something to despise having to grow in strength at any point in time in life? Probably not. Without realising it, we're all growing in strength daily in our lives. But if you just stopped a moment, to realise how far you have come, where you're at, and where you're going without living anywhere else but in the present, you would probably realise that it is a beautiful life. That true joy and happiness does exist. That you can experience these things just by being grateful for the very journey you've had to go through and for the journey to come (and yes I do write to myself too). 

On a very personal note it has been during the most difficult moments in my life that the Lord has been so very close to me. And indeed He always is! 'I have never left you nor forsaken you' has been one particular scripture that He has constantly poured into my life for years now, believe it or not, even while I was ill. I know. I think that attests to His character. His goodness, His faithfulness, His love, His joy, His strength :) He comforts me. Indeed, He is my greatest blessing in this lifetime. I am blessed. 

Much love,

Mary Ruth =)