Knowing Him

Back in 2018 when I was already working as a teacher, I struggled with some life questions. Don't get me wrong, I was truly fulfilled as a teacher and it was a blessing. But I kind of always wondered what it would have been like had illness not struck in my early 20's when I was doing my very first degree and what it would have been like had I gone onto that path. 

It was a really tough time that year figuring these questions out. And somehow, even though I know people meant well, the answers I was hearing was not sufficient for me to truly accept, like it didn't sit well. For example, was it really true that because it didn't work out that it meant something better was to come? Not saying this isn't true for some people, but as for me back then, even though as mentioned above I was fulfilled as a teacher, was it really something better? Like, would it really have been that bad hypothetically speaking if I did become what I initially was working towards? 

As I grappled with these questions, I took it to the Lord in prayer one night. Now back then, I was quite busy (not intending this to be an excuse) and so had not cultivated a bible reading habit. But I asked the Lord that night, could I have become what I initially was dreaming of when I was younger? And to my surprise, the Lord gave me understanding that very night which brought a peace to my heart that settled all these questions. The outcome was one where He just let me sit with it. Lol. And well, He sat with me in it too. 

The first thing that happened was that a scripture came to mind (I may not have cultivated my bible reading habit but I did know the bible). Actually, just a few words and then I had to google it. It was the scripture that says 'We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed...' (2 Corinthians 4:8-9 ESV). After hearing those words and googling it and reading it, I turned to my bible. I decided to read the whole of 2 Corinthians 4. And as I was reading, the word really spoke to me. When it finally came to the last two verses of this portion of scripture, I had found my answer. 

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says: 'For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal (ESV).' 

That night, the Lord gave me understanding that I could have made the choice after finding out what was wrong with me to continue on the path that I was on, that it was a choice I could have made. Now, back then, it was also something that we did look into, but I was so afraid and I wanted to go home so that was my choice and it came at the expense of continuing my studies and pursuing that dream. The scriptures above really spoke to me because God showed me how understanding He was of my pain. He didn't penalize me or blame me or make me feel regret or that I made a bad choice. In fact, He showed to me personally through His words that what I have been going through is a 'light momentary affliction' that prepares me for something far more important - and that is eternity. Also on a side note, I have done my thinking on this and I know that God does not bring affliction into our lives - because He is a good God. It doesn't mean that He is not sovereign and that it is beyond Him, some things we may not understand fully as to why certain things happen or even as to why God allows certain things to take place in our lives like in Job or certain parts of scripture we read in the Old Testament. But I do know this one thing personally - though it has been through affliction (and I believe, not of God), my relationship with the Lord has grown so much stronger through these years. I don't think I would really know Him had I not gone through the things I have faced - for this has drawn me closer to Him. And that is the most important thing in this life - knowing the eternal. Knowing Him. We all go through hardships and struggles sometimes even suffering but when you know a God as comforting as He is, you know you are going to be alright. 

Attitude of Gratitude... is it possible?

Recently I was feeling down and the Lord told me during my quiet time with Him to 'recount your blessings today.' I have never heard the Lord ask me to do such a thing before (and I know I write to a varied audience who perhaps might be skeptical of the fact that the Lord can speak to you, I write from a Christian perspective; my reference on hearing His voice would be from John 10:27). So honestly, I didn't feel like doing that that day, recounting my blessings that is. But because the Lord had whispered that to me, I decided to recount my blessings from the whole day. As I started listing them down one by one, I began to realise how blessed I really was and it shifted my gaze from being inward looking of all the possible problems and negative thoughts one could have in a day to one of looking at the glass half full. My countenance began to change too, I felt more at peace and truly blessed. 

So I guess recently my writing has been influenced a lot by my faith and this would be one of those blog posts too. Quite possibly in a very wearisome atmosphere in the world today with the looming pandemic hanging over heads and the uncertainties of the future - not just personally speaking but in all its entirety, governments, working from home, health, will things ever return to normal and how long will that be etc one can get very caught up with the fact that everything seems to be against us. And that leads to what I would say, an unseen kind of depression that no one really speaks about. 

Mary, are you being ridiculous when you titled this an 'Attitude of Gratitude'? You might be thinking as how is that even possible when things are so heavy around us. Well, the truth is that it is going to be heavy and that daily too till we know things will be certainly well. But in the midst of all that, we can change our somber countenance to one filled with gratitude for that which is certain in our lives. For one, we can be grateful that we have the gift of life and even though that is threatened daily nowadays, it is also up to us how we are going to look after our mental wellbeing daily. It is a daily battle. Negativity hits us everyday and at anytime in our lives but I am a firm believer that you can experience the joy of the Lord as your strength. In fact, now more than ever, despite the perpetual gloominess that looms around, I have found this to be very true - the joy of the Lord as my strength. 

How? You may ask. Well first things first, not everyday is easy. But in the midst of those moments, I simply have learnt to bring them to the Lord in prayer. And I ask Him for a day that is filled with joy. Again, from a very downcast spirit I have seen the Lord turn my day around immediately within those moments of whispered prayer, fill me with His peace and joy returned. It is an act that requires us to make a decision and a discipline as my pastor would put it. And how does gratitude fit into all of this? Well, upon surrendering to Him that downcast spirit, naturally gratitude fills our hearts. Try it =) 

P.s As in my first paragraph, sometimes making it an act of will to 'recount your blessings' in the day in the Lord will definitely turn that somber countenance around to one of peace =) My prayer for every reader is that during these difficult times, you will be filled with the peace of God that surpasses all knowledge and understanding (Philippians 4:6). God bless. 

Identity.

I am who I am only because of whom my Father in heaven calls me. And who is that? I am His beloved, His child, His treasure, His masterpiece. Sometimes my Father in heaven knows my longings of getting married and then He calls me His wife. Why? Because He is madly in love with me and that's just such a beautiful thing, words can't describe. They're all scriptural but in the darkest of all my moments, or in those times where my mind races, my dad in heaven whispers these things quietly into the depths of my soul and I am filled. He restores my soul (Psalms 23:3) - a Psalm that my Pastor and I have been looking at these past few weeks. Indeed it is true, He restores my soul. 

There is so many things out there about identity in Christ, and I am absolutely sure that in so many ways these articles are so true and lend a hand in helping us understand our identity in Christ. So mine is a very layman take on it all as I speak from experience but may it be something that resonates with you, reader, and restores your soul. 

I thought of this topic a couple of weeks ago. But it was a few nights ago that as my Christian Fellowship friends from ladies bible study were going through Colossians that some things came together for me. We came across this scripture in Colossians 2:10 (The Passion Translation, TPT), 'And our own completeness is now found in him. We are completely filled with God as Christ's fullness overflows within us. He is the Head of every kingdom and authority in the universe.' I am not here to dissect this portion of scripture but I'd like to speak into it. 

Our identity, is completely found in Him. When we understand that Christ is our everything, it is then we begin to have our identity completely unravel before us. What do I mean when I say this? It takes a certain closeness and a wanting to know God, that is when we are able to make Christ our everything. And when Christ is our everything our identity follows because He covers us through Him and in Him. In that closeness with the Lord, He draws us near to really know Him and when we really know Him, we know where we stand in our identity because we have been given every authority under Christ against the enemy (Luke 10:19) so that no weapon formed against us shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17). 

How do these weapons look like sometimes? It can be in the form of an attack against your mind, thoughts racing etc, a lack of peace, regrets, sorrows, hurts and pains. But when we know who we are in Christ, He fills us to the brim and He takes our pain upon Him and He sets us free (John 8:36). And that, is a feeling like no other. A feeling of fullness to the brim because of the Lord. A feeling of peace. Because of Christ. It is then He calls us as always and as He always has, He calls us His beloved, His treasure, His precious children. That is what you are. And indeed, it is so important to know our identity in Christ because when you know this, your position in Him is firmly found in Him and His authority over you as Lord and Saviour, as Protector, as Father, as Friend. He is ever close, never far, always near and He loves you so, so much =) 

Much love,

Mary Ruth 

Press On!

 Dear friends and fellow blog readers!

So, I've been having a stirring in my heart to write about this notion of pressing on for a few days now but I put it on the back burner for a bit. With that being said, I'm so glad I did, cause in between that gave me the space to listen in from the Lord on matters close to my heart which now lends me back to this same very stirring in my heart I had a few days ago, so here I am writing, once again.

Back in 2019 I was asking the Lord why certain things had happened in my life. For example, the main one back then was with regards to not graduating with my law degree (due to mental health). I was not satisfied with answers I was hearing from some people around me (no offence meant) with regards to things like God having better plans for me etc so finally I took it to the Lord in prayer. And, well, the Lord was quick to respond, that same night He gave me scripture from 2 Corinthians 4 which really spoke to my heart. But today I'd like to write on this particular scripture, 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 which really was a revelation to me back in 2019 and more recently, a scripture my lay pastor gave me here concerning 'moving forward', Paul's famous words of pressing on towards the prize as found in Philippians 3.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 writes, 'For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.' If I look back at my life, I see pockets of brokenness everywhere (and no, I'm not asking for sympathy here - just writing to effect of what I'm trying to get across). These scriptures are some of the most beautiful words I've honestly heard from the Lord through scripture as I dwell upon them. In my later years in life I've experienced loss due to health reasons. Yet I have this certainty in Christ, that 'this light momentary affliction' is nothing in comparison to all that I have gained in Christ. Don't get me wrong, I have come to understand in a very personal way that God is good and He never intends for us to go through suffering in life. Yet, this is a broken world and in the midst of it there is brokenness. But when I speak Christ, I speak of Him as a loving Father and a faithful companion through it all. Indeed, He is a good good Father. With us in every moment and in every way, He never leaves us and is always with us. So when I write about 'this momentary affliction... preparing us...' and that 'we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen' I write from a heart of understanding the Father, that He never wants us to be in suffering (hence affliction) yet even in the midst of the affliction, He is there with us and this prepares us because we get to know Him. And this, is the most important thing. 

So now I would like to flip over to Philippians 3:7-8(a) and 14. Phil. 3:7-8(a) says, 'But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.' I look back at my 31 years of life and there is so much, so so much I have gained in life and to that I am grateful. But with all that I have also had the uncanny privilege of going through much loss and honestly if anyone were to look at my life they may only feel the sorrow of what I have gone through. And even though in that sense that may be true, the gains to which I have had in my life as well as the losses, I count a beautiful privilege in the midst of getting to know a very personal Father. I am not saying that the losses are beautiful, but I am saying that because of them God's nearness to me in those moments have been ever so real and ever so present that I cannot deny that nothing in this world matters more than knowing Him. 

So with that, I end on the note of Paul's words in Phil 3:14:-

'I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.' Press on, because life is so much more meaningful when you have this beautiful Father ever near and so close always. Press on, because the things that are unseen that are eternal, they matter. And press on, because we all suffer loss in life but nothing is worth more than knowing the One who knows loss and is there with you every step of the way. Press on! 

Much love, 

Mary Ruth  

My One Constant

So, I'm sitting here behind my laptop and its 1.56 in the morning, Malaysian time. I'm listening to a really nice worship song on repeat, because I like it (Throne Room by Awaken Generation - Just had to put it in there! Lol). And why am I awake? Well truth is, I'd usually be sound a sleep by now but I had this in my heart and just thought to write it out.

I grew up a worship leader in my schooling years (I went to a Christian school in my secondary years) and later on served as a worship leader in church too. Music speaks to me in a very special way, as I'd like to think it speaks to many of us in that special way as well. I remember being a seven year old sitting in the backseat in my mum's car listening to normal radio and some tunes that caught my attention (backstreet boys mainly) waiting for the song to end so the dj could announce the name and band of the song. I laugh to myself as I write that down. Anyways, music, music speaks volumes.

For many of you who know me, my 20's has been scarred by illness, relapses and many unanswered questions, many to which I don't have the answers to and some I know, I will never really know either. I've also had my good times in my 20's too, as Christians like to put it, we go through the hills and the valleys. And well, no, things have not always been dandy for me but I've definitely had plenty of beautiful moments in my 20's too. The thing is, my one constant in this life has always been Christ and to that I cannot deny. 

I look back, and even though some might say tough, and yeah, in many ways I wouldn't deny that, I see so much beauty in my life. But I think the real beauty behind that statement really for me comes from a place of knowing my Father in heaven. My earliest memory of the Lord was when I was a young child reading my children's bible and asking Him a question. When I flipped the bible pages the very answer I needed to hear was in that passage. I know, I know, that sounds a bit ridiculous to ears who have not heard about the Lord personally, but to me that was a very shocking moment albeit a beautiful one too. It showed me that He was listening and that just meant the world to me. 

All my life, He has held me close to Him. He really has never left me nor forsaken me. In times of brokenness, I feel His presence ever so near to me (many Christians who know this describe it as a kind of warmth over your whole body). To the things I understand and to the things I don't, to the things I question and ask, He has always been there with me and I know that. I might bore your eyes if I write any longer than this (lol), so I am going to end with the song I've been listening to, Throne Room by Awaken Generation. It amazes me, that the creator of this universe is someone I can be so close to, I've always felt Him near. And indeed, He's always been near. He is, my one desire :)

Throne Room

This is the throne room of God

I come in reverence

I stand before the creator of heaven, and earth

This is the throne room of God

You draw me closer

Undone by the arms of a Father who calls me His own

As You bring me to my knees before Your throne

I just bow in awe, I just bow in awe

As You lift my head to see You, as You are

I just say I love You Lord

And I lift my hands with a thankful soul

And I lift my voice cause it's all I know

And my soul cries out Hallelujah

Jesus You are my one desire...

No Turning Back!

I woke up this morning with this burden in my heart to share on this matter. Things in life happen to all of us and we often frequent the past to know if there was something we could have done different about it. And I just want to say to that that often its a yes, we can always do things better perhaps or differently if we revisit our past with the things that matter to us considering life decisions and such. But I want to offer a different perspective. What if all you knew at that point in time was the best you could do? Could you really turn upon yourself and beat yourself up? Probably not. There comes some understanding to it that we all do the best we can in the moments that we go through that are difficult to us all.

We change everyday, but God remains constant. He is a never changing God. His Word says in Jeremiah 29:11, 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.' Now if we read into this, this is futuristic, but what about things in our past? I am not the type of person to like to skip important, life-forming moments in my life so I do remember the days when the Lord gave me this promise in my life when I was younger that kept me steady on level ground to keep working hard and loving those around me in my circumstances that eventually brought breakthrough in my own life. Today, I look back and I am only in awe of the Lord and at present knowing His faithfulness firsthand in those days I once again hold on to His good promise over my life knowing that He will come through once again. Because, we change but God doesn't. He is faithful like that. 

If anyone is able to drag us forward in anything in life, it is definitely the Lord. Lol. God sees our future and indeed His Word over our lives is to bring that breakthrough that we might see it the way He sees it too. Ultimately, its in these life defining moments that we really get to know our Maker! We don't want to miss out on these moments as He speaks to us. His Word says in Isaiah 43:18-19, (18) 'Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. (19) Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.' If anyone really gets us, it is definitely the Lord. He sees us constantly looking back to the things we could have done differently but you know what? He really gets us. He really does. Sometimes, all we can take is the lesson from it but sometimes, there really isn't even a lesson to take from it because we couldn't have known any better ourselves. And that's how the Lord gets us. He sees our hearts and He knows we are prone to live in regret. And He gets us, He knows we couldn't have known any better ourselves. So is there really a point in life worth living in regret? Not at all! We don't dwell on the former things because our God knows our future and it is all always in His perfect will. We can make our choices, but He knows where we were always headed and so He tells us, don't look back! He is with us in those very moments to drag us forward in our lives. 

But I think the most important thing we can take from this journey in life is really, getting to know our Creator. You see all these life circumstances that challenge us and make us question things are all totally worth it if ultimately its going to bring you a step closer in knowing your Creator! Please don't read into that wrongly. Recently I wrote about 'Why Bad Things Happen to Good People' and I just know that a good God never wants us to suffer. It does not come from Him and there's so many ways to read into that but that's for another day. Nevertheless it is worth knowing that in all things, 'these light momentary afflictions prepares us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal' (paraphrased in the beginning, 2 Cor 4:17-18). So, 'draw near to God and He will draw near to you' (James 4:8a). 

It's currently raining here in Kuala Lumpur but I just have this joy in my heart. The Lord is good, the rain doesn't dampen my spirit, in fact I think it's beautiful and well its a good day. I get to spend the day with my family in lockdown and that's lovely. I have a hospital appointment later and I am so grateful for the nurses and doctors whom have cared for me all these years. This thing we call life, its not entirely a bad thing =) So don't turn back! Don't head in that direction because than you will miss out on the beauty of today and you know what? Today really is a beautiful day! Look forward to the future with hope and remember your Creator all the days of your life! God bless! 

Love,

Mary Ruth Gopal

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

 Actually, I don't think I have the perfect answer to this question, let alone any answer really to this question. But after coming out recently from my second relapse it got me thinking on some things in life, as usual. I write from a lay man Christian perspective as I am definitely no theologian. But having had such a personal experience with the Lord from the early age of my 20's onwards, I think it's worth writing down. 

What I have gained is everything in Christ and what I have lost is everything but Christ. 

Recently, I came to an understanding by myself that we live in a fallen world. There's no escape to sin because this is a fallen world. We choose to sin, or we choose not to sin but most of the time we sin anyways. And that's the nature of this fallen world. And because of this fallen world the enemy prowls like a roaring lion (1 Peter 5:8). And what that means is that he is capable of attacking us in our lives. Now, this is no excuse to say 'hey, the devil made me do it' lol. But what I am saying in all seriousness is that he does attack us. 

So of course I am writing from a very personal experience now but I hope what I have to say speaks volumes to whoever finds the time to read this. I'm not saying because of illness I found God, because I know Him to be a good God. One who would never want me to suffer let alone have my life endangered in any circumstance. But I am saying that on every occasion of illness, God was with me every step of the way. He protected me, He sheltered me and He kept me safe under the refuge of His wings.

It brought to light many aspects of my life that I didnt realise once upon a time would have caused me to stumble in my walk with Him. The one main one being the fact that I have always had a need to have a boyfriend since the early age of 18 onwards (I still havent had a boyfriend btw...lol). I guess at a younger age, that was something I was needy of but it was the Lord who kept me back then from getting involved in relationships, because like I said, I was needy as well as emotional and what I probably needed was not a boyfriend but an adult to speak to to help me process the things I was going through at that young age. 

I think God is so good that in this fallen world, He has kept me safe. That despite times that I could have stumbled, He sheltered me and even though the enemy attacks, He who is in me is greater than he who is in this world (1 John 4:4). It all points back to Christ, because we all are in need of Him. There is no one greater than the other in this journey we call life. And I think anything that I have gained recently is the fact of how human I am and how greatly humbled I am by that fact. Doing my quiet time two days ago and re-reading a portion of scripture that speaks about how we have this treasure in jars of clay (2 Cor 4:7) made me realise how fragile we all are. Yet, we hold this treasure in us, that is Christ. We're so fragile yet He lets us hold Him in the depths of our heart. I mean, how beautiful is that, really? That Christ our Saviour, came for us in love, that we might hold Him in our hearts, when we are so fragile, reckless, careless as jars of clay that we can be. If knocked, we get shattered, yet He holds us in the palms of His hands (Isaiah 41:10). He is that good, good Father, that good God. That is His character. I've always known this since the days I first came out of illness - I knew He was good. And today, I say the same. Because He has never let me go, He has always held me close to Him. He truly is my refuge, my strength and my shield. But also more than the protection he gives, is the fact that He is my loving Father. No one gets me, the way He gets me and I am just so blessed to know that. We all have that heart-shaped void in our hearts. One where only the God of this universe, the God who created you, gets. Yeah, he gets you. 

So why do bad things happen to good people? Well, like I said, I don't have the answer to this question. Some questions we may truly never have the answer to till we meet our creator of all eternity. But I do hope that this encourages you to know the creator of this universe because He knows you and He LOVES you! I cannot bold that word enough! And when we know the Lord, He fills us, like no one else can. 

Lots of love!

Mary Ruth Gopal